The Disbeliefs In Beliefs..

i just found out..that if high is Gauged a 100..
the feeling at 60 feels rather good too..
just pop in 15 mild sleeping pills..
it feels as though you're floating..
your mind's outer-space..
but clear..
that's what makes it more fun...
you get see see everything with a
80% clear mind and you'll remember everything..
you won't die though..
(P:S : not advisable to use it for suicides..
all that will happen is you wake up after 6 hours..
and the things mentioned above)



you know how things are now...
situations and this harsh society changes you into someone..
someone whom you aren't really are..

initially..i was a gullible person who falls for everyone's words..
but now..
i am someone who doubts everyone including my mom..
cause it was due to some situations that made me feel..
that the whole world betrayed me..
including myself..
i became a person who hated myself

initially..
you might have been someone who trusted on feelings..
trusted your heart..
trusted emotions..
but it is because of bastards like me..
who turns you around..
it is not you chose not to believe anymore..

its more like you do not know what to believe anymore..
and there's no reason strong enough for you to believe..
in your heart...you'd really love to believe on somethings..
but it is just that scars have created a phobia and a barrier over the you screaming within...

but you have to know..
the real you still lives within..


i too am like that..
i do not know what to believe..
but i still chose to follow the voice of my heart..
sometimes i know the outcomes and facts..
but i chose not to believe it..
i chose to believe this dumb self..
it was like looking into the mirror and telling it..
"You're a dumb loser"

i was overly obssessed with Death for a period of time
that i had Death engraved onto my skin..
i once believed that death was the answer to everything..
cause why?
cause everyone told me it wasn't the answer..
how would they know?
have they died before?
i was so fascinated..
i imagined how death was like..
i drew it out..
even when i look at those pictures..
i freak myself out..
as though i was in a trance..

that me still lingers within..

but now..
i am fascinated with Death still..
but i am quite afraid of it..
why?
i am afraid i'd never wake up to find out more
fun things to do..
(drinking up water through your nose .
coughing out blood after countless forced vomittings ,
taking blood tests , looking at blood flowing out during a tattoo,
Candles , going to gigs , performances ,
headbang till my neck's half broken , get beaten up into a pulp
jamming , drumming , tattooing..etc..etc)
and lastly..




i'm afraid i'd never see you again..